I never knew a sadness so profound could exist. A sadness for something lost that I can never find. This sadness for something so wrong that it can never be put right, a problem with no solution. This sadness that is like a hollowing out of the insides. And then it reaches a point where I am no longer sure if it is sadness or something else. This is where I begin to think that perhaps at some point profound happiness and profound sadness are indistinguishable from one another. 
Have any one of you looked at something that is so ugly and thought that it is so ugly it is beautiful? Life feels like that sometimes. Life feels like that when it throws something completely unexpected at you and it weighs down on you , robs you of the very last reserves of your strength and you can find no beauty in anything you see. And then , in all that hopelessness, you see something to keep you going. You maybe running on empty. You maybe running on less than empty. But there is something in you that makes you scrape yourself off your bed each morning and makes you stand under that shower. There is something there that makes you go through the motions of breathing. 
Perhaps it is because I see something so beautiful in that sadness? Is that what they call the life force? That silence so profound in the midst of all that sadness...that silence that is more powerful than any scream I know. It doesn';t tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because nothing really is okay ,is it? But it does tell me something much more valuable, something that makes much more sense. It tells me that I will be okay. That whatever it is that ripples and smashes up against the surface, that silence inside , that silence that is me, that silence that is as old as the stars ,will be untouched...that it will be ripple -free and calm.It is that silence that I think in the end that helps me not forget to breathe...



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